...for those of us who have struggled through it...for those fortunate few who have survived it...recovery is not an easy road...12 years in and I'm still recovering...thinking how easy it would be to just melt away into that beautiful oblivion...but I don't...just like many of us in recovery...us survivors...I've found a million more beautiful entities in this world than the brief respite that eventually consumes everything...always always going deeper into what we think is sweetness and trying to stay longer...sometimes this escape we are always searching for keeps us pushed down and holds us down...in those dark moments for me I always saw pieces of my future...I was always trying to go into the blackness to see what else I could find...the further I went the longer I was gone...the longer I was gone the more of me I left behind...it's not easy to face yourself in the mirror...you're not there...there is only a twinkle of who we once were...we convince ourselves we are fine...we are great...noone notices...but everyone does...
whatever form the enabler is...a person, a pill, a powder, a liquid, a feeling...it's not the problem...we are...it never holds on to us...we want to hold on to it...we can't push it away...that thing is always there...we want to keep it close...we want to get away from it...we fight...we struggle...we give in...we lose ourselves a little more...we are broken...then for some of us...for those of us that hear it...for those of us that listen to it...for those of us who want to be free from the person we've become...there is a voice...an image...something that says...you don't need to do this anymore...let it go...for some of us it's a true second chance to make ourselves right...to make love and life better for those we've hurt along our self-absorbed destruction...it's a time to rebuild...trust...love...happiness...mostly ourselves...we aren't the same person we were before or during...we only hope to become better...there's more for us to do in this world...
for others...the sadness...the pain...it's done...they have found their peace...they leave us behind to question everything...to miss them...to be angry with them...to go through life without them...without their laugh...their smile...without everything that is them except the memories...it's not easy...yet we find a million sweet things in life to keep us moving forward...
I still struggle...but I know what I'm capable of...I know what's important in life and that's the sweetness I want to hold onto...that blissful oblivion that I knew years ago is still important to me...it helps me remember where I was and what it took for me to get where I am today...it's not easy...but I do it because this life is beautiful and I want to do my best with this true second chance I've been given...i owe it to that imagine...to my family...to my friends...most importantly to me...
it's not easy for anyone...everyone has a vice...we choose how we want to fight...there is always a struggle...always a sadness...and always a peacefulness...the best we can do is recognize someone struggling...lay it all on the line...say I love you...say I'm here for you...say I want you here for me...this we can do...it's not going to be easy...in the end the rewards are amazing...even for those that are gone too soon...
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